Chaos

I am sitting in a room trying to read a book. Wanting nothing but to understand motives of the people in the story. As it happens I am in a room with friends, talking, yelling, enjoying. I can not read, I can not understand. While all this is happening I see a window, As I look out the window expecting to see calm warm wind, all I can see is cold, fast, chaos. Chaos is a word deemed to judge something with absolutely no order, and without order there can be no peace. So it is safe to say that there is no peace when there is chaos. As I stare at the harsh (presumably) cold wind blow against the trees, I see my internal struggle play out right before my eyes. Right now I can't seem to find any inner peace. Peace is absolute, peace is no problems, peace is warmth. I can not seem to find warmth, now I am writing this as I am seated in an air-conditioned school so my plight which is completely figurative seems to have taken shape quite literally. Back to making sense, as I look at the window with trees being pulled away by the cold harsh wind, I can't help but remember all the noise that is ever present in my life. Noise that has no reason to be, noise that I can completely deal without, noise that I can find no order in. This lack of peace has me at the precipice, overlooking the violent, red, fire that is my desire, my anger, my rage. For with no peace I am left with my own chaos, chaos that consumes my everyday life, chaos that only calms with rest. I feel the need for warmth, not heat; order, not chaos. As I stare at the window, with the trees being yanked to the left, and as I stare at the precipice over looking all the emotions boiling inside of me, comes something unexpected: warmth. And as the warmth fills my mind I find myself in thought, thought that has me finding beauty. Beauty in the chaos,beauty in what is essentially life. Life which constantly tugs at you, pulling you two sometimes three ways all at once. And as this warmth, this knowledge falls on me I find something even more unexpected: peace. The peace that can only be found in life, harshness, anger, cold, violence, and most importantly chaos. Inner peace, the very thing that I thought impossible to achieve, finally hitting me. And then I look at the window. The wind has stopped blowing. The air seems warm. I look around me. People are gone. Noise is gone. Chaos is gone. Loneliness is what I should be feeling. I am in an empty room. But instead of loneliness I feel....... Relaxed, I feel as if with the people all the worries, problems, hate, anger, all of it are gone. Peace in loneliness, such a cruel way to find what you want. Yet as is life